The Carnivore Project

Species: Cheerleader

Fish in a Barrel

Test Mustards & Game Pie

Mustard is one of those annoying condiments that travels in mobs. Like the old Denis Leary routine about tequila, you let one in, and it sneaks in six or seven of its friends... As a result, there's always the awkward point in one's shopping cycle where the fridge is filled with naught but mustard (and, in our case, a half-empty bottle of tonic water).

Being scientifically-natured, we decided to figure out which of these sulfurous refugees was actually the tastiest. Helpfully, we had an award-winning Poachers Game Pie on-hand. The pie itself (our 'Control', if you will) was delicious. The skilled judges (that is, us), called it 'subtle', 'meaty' and 'smooth-textured' with a nice 'gamey aftertaste'. 

We appraised five mustards (we should clean our fridge more) - each one was judged for Heat, Flavor and Texture, then given an overall ranking.

The five contenders:

- Grey Poupon Old Style

- Maille a l'Estragon

- Mikado English Mustard

- French's Classic Yellow Mustard

- Moutardes de Beaune Edmond Fallot (Tarragon Dijon)

The results are after the jump...

Abel & Cole and the Melton Mowbray Pork Pie

There.  Isn't that pretty?  Even with an apple on top of it, that's a fine specimen of a Melton Mowbray pork pie, isn't it?  The fine folks over at Abel & Cole sent us a couple of lovely pies to try last week.  Our review of the game pie (which will double as a mustard taste-test!) is forthcoming, but you can read all about that beautiful (organic!) pork pie right here.

Roast Chicken

The traditional Sunday roast in my family isn't a joint, it's a chicken.  As much as I love roasting pork or lamb or beef on a quiet Sunday afternoon, they're simply not quite as meaningful for me as a good roast chicken.  So nothing could have delighted Jared and me more than to get a gorgeous free-range chicken (with giblets!) delivered from Abel & Cole.  (We previously met Abel & Cole while using their delicious vegetables for our Christmas dinner.)

I have to admit, I was leery at first.  I've roasted free-range chickens before and found them relatively lean and tasteless.  This chicken, however, must have led a very happy and tranquil life; it was one of the fattest, juiciest chickens I've ever had the pleasure of cooking. 

The finished product, with a side of roast potatoes.

Yup. This is disgusting.

(Thanks, Simon)

Steak: Better Late than Never

It took me six months, but I finally tried Jaden's recipe for salt-shmeared steak. My first attempt at salting a steak - last October - turned a perfectly servicable hunk of beef into something akin to a salt-lick. Oops. Fortunately, the indominable carnivore spirit keeps forging on (if slowly), and I tried again.

I followed the recipe exactly (note to self: I should do that more often), so only a quick summary follows below. You should check out Jaden's Steamy Kitchen for the full process.

Quick and Easy Steaks

The London Paper (one of those world-strangling freebies that are rammed down your throats in the evening) normally isn't even worth using to line the catbox, but the May 8 edition had a surprisingly decent article on improving steaks by Tom Moggach.

Cheeseburger in a Can

This might be one of the top five most disturbing canned foods I've ever seen.

(Why such qualified horror? Because nothing can out-ick the English Breakfast in a Can)

Delicious Can

From The Onion's annual Cheap Toy Round-Up:

Delicious Can ($.33)

The ol' snake-in-the-can is part of a grand tradition of humor - they say laughter is born of surprise, and when you're expecting salted nuts and are instead greeted by a popping spring-snake, you can't help but guffaw. (If you're, y'know, 60-plus.)

But there's something very, very special about "Delicious Can," a Chinese version of the trick that doesn't exactly get the concept. The outside is decorated with the words "Special Fresh"! and photos of various fruits - none of which would easily fit inside a two-ounce can, nor probably come with a pink lid.

But the real joy is inside: In length and girth, the fake snake is, umm, penis-sized and shaped. And the head is pink plastic. And it features a sort-of smiling face. And while the can is open, the snake remains firmly upright.