SUSHI v. FISH AND CHIPS
Case Summary
Plaintiff, sushi, alleges that co-defendants, Fish and Chips, are an unhealthy, uninteresting, unsatisfying, and in all other respects miserable excuse for a fish-based meal. Codefendants raise a number of affirmative defenses against these allegations, and furthermore counter-claim that Plaintiff is over-priced, over-consumed, over-rated and, frankly, kind of gross. Arbitration has proven futile; the solution reached, "fusion cuisine," e.g., wasabi-seared blue-fin tuna on a bed of sweet-potato straw, has been deemed "trendy," "spectacularly pretentious," and "less original than it sounds" by both parties and various restaurant guides. Parties seek final judgment in this matter.
Case in Full
Sushi
Plaintiff -- sushi, sashimi, and nigiri and others, hereinafter referred to exclusively as corporate entity "sushi," with a recognized and independent legal existence -- is a citizen in good standing of the country of Japan, with a recognized and documented presence in most major international cities. Jurisdiction is granted under various articles of appurtenance and the rule against perpetuities.
Sushi has a long and distinguished history as one of the world’s more elegant comestibles. Although it originated in China, sushi emigrated to Japan in the 14th century and evolved from its original iteration, as bits of fish preserved in barrels of rice, into the graceful variations of itself it offers the world today.
Sushi offers a number of pleasing and palatable alternatives to the standard "fish dish." In its purest form, slivers of raw fish on pillows of vinegared rice, sushi tempts the diner with the subtlest of the flavors attainable from a variety of vegetables, cheeses and fish, both raw and slightly seared. In its other forms, these flavors are allowed to combine with each other and with an array of delicate sauces and spices. All forms may be dipped into soy sauce, with or without a spicy dollop of wasabi, and then consumed in a single, fluid motion.
In addition to its toothsome nature, sushi offers a number of supplementary temptations. Sushi’s sophistications extend beyond its subtle taste; it renders to the diner a particularly elegant aesthetic, both in appearance and in presentation. Sushi is traditionally arrayed in a minimalistic fashion upon tasteful platters of china or lacquered wood. It is consumed with those most dignified of implements, the chopsticks, although the fingers might find deployment during the irregular unguarded moment. Sushi, furthermore, recommends itself for almost any culinary occasion; it may be called into service for dates, client meetings, and saki-bombing with rowdy mates. Sushi restaurants can provide the very height of chic interior design or the very depths of delightful tackiness. A sushi consumer can enjoy the fattiest of guilt-inducing fried foods, tempura, or may walk out of a sushi-fest with a full belly and the knowledge that his or her arteries remain blessedly unclogged -- for sushi, in addition to its overall elegance, is actually pretty healthy.
Sushi is well aware, however, that the same cannot be said for Codefendants Fish and Chips. Codefendants, sushi alleges, are not simply unhealthy; they are bland, messy, smelly, and the stereotypical tuck of overweight tourists to the British Isles. As between Plaintiff and the Codefendants, sushi contends, the case is clear; sushi is the superior piscary palatable.
Fish and Chips
Codefendants Fish and Chips fully readily admit full culpability in the matter of unhealthiness. Nor indeed are Fish and Chips particularly gratifying to the eye. And there are certainly very few who could claim that Fish and Chips are elegant in manner and mode of consumption. Codefendants maintain, however, that the average consumer does not turn to Fish and Chips for reasons of health and beauty. Indeed, Fish and Chips declare that their appeal and their attraction lie in another direction altogether.
Fish and Chips, like sushi, are the standard-bearers of a long and proud culinary tradition. Various reputable sources claim that Fish and Chips evolved concurrently with trawl fishing in the North Sea in the second-half of the nineteenth century, as cheap working-class fare. Their appeal increased during World War II, as one of the few dishes available that was not subject to rationing. Fish and Chips remain today a popular take-away option.
In its classic form, Fish and Chips is a chunk of cod or haddock and a measure of julienned potatoes dunked into a vat of flour-based boiling fat, wrapped in newspaper, and consumed by hand in vast, greasy quantities. Condiments from salt and malt vinegar (or its cheaper alternative, "non-brewed condiment") to high-end ketchup are generally added to the mix. A pint of beer or ale contribute their flavors particularly nicely to the overall experience, especially if all components are consumed whilst standing in line for some hoary tourist attraction on an overcast and windy day with the preadolescent cousins visiting from the States. But Fish and Chips do not merely recommend themselves to tourists and drunken students wandering home late at night from some thumping monstrosity of a club; nay, Fish and Chips are a sentimental favorite for millions. Indeed, perhaps some portion of their grip on the populist vote is tied to fond and vivid memories of hoary tourist attractions and late-night voyages homeward. Perhaps Fish and Chips remind one of his first visit to London, or a seedy-pub pub crawl with her friends -- or even perhaps being that preadolescent country cousin, waiting excitedly to enter the Tower of London for the first time. Yes, Fish and Chips are greasy, fatty, smelly, messy, and occasionally just gross… but Fish and Chips are fully cooked.
Sushi, Fish and Chips counter-claims, is raw. It is, furthermore, far less elegant than it asserts; more than half of those who consume sushi, Fish and Chips suspect, end up stabbing it through with their chopsticks in frustration, or just using their inelegant hands. Fish and Chips, however, are designed for being eaten with the fingers. Sushi is, moreover, overpriced; rarely do a few ounces of uncooked tuna cost the average diner more. Fish and Chips are designed for inexpensive consumption, and revel in it.
Conclusion
Modern sushi is a marvel of elegance and sophistication, a glorious symphony of graciously edible gourmandism. Traditional Fish and Chips are a sentimental favorite, a goozing glut of grease and, well, more grease. To choose between the two is a difficult, nigh impossible task, but one that must be well and vigorously met. Your Honors, I submit to you this task. Salus in caro!
Good god, people. Fish and chips is a meal. Sushi works as an element of a 'detox' diet.
How can you even pretend to think about imagining countenencing dreaming about thinking about wondering about thinking that it might be ok to vote for it?
Vote for Anne, because Anne rules. And also (mostly) because the Anne that likes Sushi sucks.
Posted by: Dan | January 19, 2007 at 01:03 AM
Wow. I really care about fish and chips when I've been drinking.
Posted by: Dan | January 20, 2007 at 03:24 PM