Kangaroo (Semifinal) by Kirsty

Chicken is SO 80s

I know it will surprise most of you to realise that kangaroo really does whip roast chicken's butt when it comes to being the Ultimate Meat. In the words of a client I now never have to have anything to do with, there's a lot of heart out there for chicken. A LOT. Hell, even I love a good drumstick now and then.

But there are flaws, people. SERIOUS flaws. Let's not forget what we're talking about. The Ultimate Meat. Meaning?

ul·ti·mate [uhl-tuh-mit]
adjective
- not to be improved upon or surpassed; greatest; unsurpassed

And the thing is, chicken can be improved on. It's so 80s now, you know? Certainly Jamie Oliver's doing some lovely things with it, but the loveliness is often about the condiments or whatever people ram under its skin. Environmental and health concerns have heightened, variety has increased, tastes have improved and chicken, the meat, needs to pick up its game, even when its roasted.

Naturally I could use a theatrical presentation to elaborate on this, and convey my passion by what I’m willing to do on film or in the edit suite. Call me lazy, but I just don’t feel it’s necessary. We don’t need drama to see why kangaroo meat whips roast chicken's butt. Nope, all we need to do is look at the basics.

Its creation and its typical consumption. Pure and simple.

So where do we start with chicken? At the battery farm, of course, where billions of genetically engineered chickens are too heavy and sore-ridden to stand or walk. Kept in polluted dark sheds with as many as 25,000 birds per shed, they suffer many of the same horrible ailments as battery egg hens.

Moreover, in food processing plants the chicken preparation areas are often kept behind glass screens in a kind of quarantine just in case bugs like salmonella which thrive in chicken leap out and infect everything else. Nice.

Let me quote one inspector: "I've had birds that had yellow PUS visibly coming out of their insides, and I was told to save the breast meat off them and even save the second joint of the wing." Mmmm, yummy.

Then into the plastic wrap it goes, ready for someone to chuck into their trolley, take home, roast, and consume with choelsterol ridden gusto. (Chicken meat is not low in fat, indeed not even close, with fifty one percent fat as a percentage of calories).

And who might that consumer be, normally? That's right, elderly women.

Now, let’s purge those horrid and old fashioned thoughts and images from our minds by instead focusing on kangaroo meat, the MODERN meat, which starts off here…

In the wild, in beautiful Australia. Where the beer flows like wine and where beautiful women instinctively flock like the salmon of Capistrano.

Where kangaroos can run wild, untainted and healthy, resulting in the freshest, healthiest, most tender meat, for who to eat?

 

That’s right - the typical Aussie chick. No more, no less. That’s what I’m talking about. To be fair, Aussie men like it too. In fact, there’s not many people around the world who wouldn't appreciate the deliciously tender and healthy meat of kangaroo. Have it roasted, have it grilled, have it in a fucking gumbo. However you like it, it cannot be beaten. Nor can it be improved.

It's ridiculously healthy (it has one of the highest levels of CLA, Conjugated Linoleic Acid, which may slow the growth of cancer cells or even help them destroy themselves for god's sake). It's environmentally and morally sound. And it's absolutely bloody delicious.

Yes, chicken has been a lovely meat. And it could be the ultimate meat again, one day, when it lifts its game. But right here, right now, in THIS competition, kangaroo meat is surely the Ultimate Meat.

Comments

[craig]

There is simply no competition here.

There is only one meat that has been scientificaly proven to lower cholesterol, treat Diabetes and Heart Disease and taste great at the same time.

did you know that kangaroo is the highest known natural source of CLA an essential fatty acid that is so good its now purchased by over 2 million Americans as a body building / fitness supliment.

But then again maybe I shouldn't be telling you this. Its also heaps cheaper than beef and if all you guys get onto it the price might go up.

To see what average Australian women say about it see http://www.naturoo.com.au/testimonials.htm

[Andrew Sutherland]

100% on the money.
Properly cooked, it's better than aged fillet beef.
(Tip: in more rural climates, it pays to execute the beast in a more traditional way using an 18 wheeler roadtrain)

[Jared]

"Properly cooked, it's better than aged fillet beef."

(raised eyebrow)

[Angus Whines]

Jared, I have to agree with Andrew here, he's spot on. It's sensational. We'll have to do a blind test with you.

Thanks Andrew and Craig, I appreciate the support!

[Team Diskin]

The only reason, the ONLY reason, why chicken can hold a torch to Kangaroo, is beause we're used to it. We eat it every week. It's the unthinking man's dinner.

Truth is, chicken has lost it's way. Chemicals. Stress. Cannibalism (the chicken pellets they eat are made from dead battery hens). They're more machine now than chicken.

As has expertly been proven, chicken has fallen. It has allowed mass production to turn a once great meat into an immoral, poisonous, carcinogencic disgrace.

As all meatlovers will agree, we hope fervently for the day that chicken regains it's former glory, and can stand to face the challenge of super-meats like kagaroo. But that day is not today. Well done Angus. This is the best argument I've read on this site.

[Angus Whines]

Thanks Disko, greatly appreciated. Glad it made sense to someone.

[The Guilty Carnivore]

I'll have to agree with your general arguments vis-a-vis chicken flesh - it's a standby meat. However, chicken soup in all its permutations instantly catapults chicken to the forefront of culinary meatitude.

You can't make soup out of a fucking kangaroo. C'mon. You Aussies have been drinking too many Foster keg cans. Kangaroo might be a fine alt-meat and deserve its place in the pantheon of fileted flesh (I for one wish I could wander to the local US butcher counter and get some choice 'Roo), but as the ULTIMATE MEAT?

However, I'd like to see Heather wrap bacon around kangaroo for her final offensive, so I'm voting Kangaroo.

Long live the Roo!

[Angus]

Bless you Guilty.

And as I pointed out to Lebowski the other day, what's the point in this competition if you can't get through to the final due to logic. Us wild cards need to feel as though we deserve to be in the final just as much as everyone else...

[Grayheme]

I cannot booleef that there was no mention of the fact that all the juicy steroids being pumped into chicken is increasing the breast size of young women. Oh that's right, because you want men to vote AGAINST chicken...

I voted for Roo predominantly because your well-structured argument swayed my swinging vote. Plus what good are young chicks with big cans now that I'm married??? That's right, it's all over now, even that shot of Jennifer Hoe-kins doesn't impress me...

[Jared]

The Wild Cards have had an incredibly strong showing throughout - some very impassioned arguments.

Bacon-wrapped Kangaroo would be an interesting visual. Although Bacon-wrapped soup would be impressive as well.

I'm so astoundingly neutral. Go me!

[Angus]

Bollocks Grayheme, I've seen you stare at tits since you've been married, but I appreciate the support.

You are neutral Jared, it's impressive.

[Heather]

bacon wrapped kangaroo...i'm drooling just thinking about it.

[Angus]

Yes, heavenly. Obviously the kangaroo would make it though...